The Gumbo Sutra

of

Yao Za

Chapter 1 - Proclaiming the Dharma 
The dharma is difficult to explain or understand.  It is passed from master to student across generations from the first master, Waz Xzup.  A single moment is needed to cross the river of Ignorance, yet a lifetime of training is necessary to know how to arrive at Enlightenment.  After all, if dharma were quick and easy, how would we get people to pay us for sitting on our asses all day staring at a garden? 

Chapter 2 - Concerning Sacred Meditation 

Cant sleep, monks will beat me. 
Cant sleep, monks will beat me. 
Cant sleep, monks will beat me. 
Cant sleep, monks will beat me. 
Cant sleep, monks will beat me. 
Cant sleep, monks will beat me. 
Cant sleep, monks will beat me. 
Cant sleep, monks will beat me. 
Cant sleep, monks will beat me. 
Cant sleep, monks will beat me. 
Cant sleep, monks wil…. 
Ow! 
Ow! 
Ow! 
Ow! 
Ow! 
Ow! 
too much wine 
makes meditation too dangerous. 

Chapter 3 - On Poultry
Why did the chicken cross the road?  Often I am asked this by students, whom I then beat with canes.  The truly enlightened understand that the asking of this question denies one’s own chicken nature.  The chicken crossed because it recognized that both sides are as one.  The road exists, but only one side is real.  The road has no sides.  When the chicken crossed the road, that is to say, learned to exist on both sides at once, the chicken and the road became as one dharma.  The chicken understood its Atman is the road.  The road is Brahman.  The road is Maya.  There is no chicken and no road.  Cast off crossing. 

Chapter p - Psychotropic Haiku
 Quietly, weakly,
the mushroom grows,
upon the cow dung.

Chapter 4 - Kentucky Fried Haiku, on eating and being eaten
In the recesses of the shinjin body/mind,
lies a drumstick,
waiting to be fried.

Chapter 5 - Discerning one’s Natural Order 
If the natural order of things had meant for us to masturbate, it would have given us arms long enough to reach our genitals.                        Oh, wait a minute… 

Chapter 6 - On the Oneness of Merchandising 
Who can be a body and not in truth a mind? 
Who can be a mind and not in truth a soul? 
Who can be a soul and not in truth Brahman? 
Who can know himself to be Brahman and not be a wise man? 

Who can be a wise man, who has not read The Gumbo Sutra Of Yao Za tm available for only $19.95 + $4.95 shipping and handling.  As seen on TV.  Order now and we’ll include this handy Pocket Nirvana tm ABSOLUTELY FREE!  Call 1-800-42-YAOZA or order online at www.YaoZa.com 

Chapter 7 - Don’t Ask . . . 
limS(1/(2^n)) is the loneliest number that you'll ever do…  

The acceptance that none of this makes any sense leads to more complete understanding of one’s Chewbacca nature.  The path to enlightenment begins by understanding that there is no distinction between Chewbacca and the monkey.  Silly monkey…  

Infinity bottles of beer on the wall, infinity bottles of beer… 

Chapter 8 - Last Free Will and Testament 
i, ching, being of sound body/mind, do hereby leave all my worldly possessions to the illusion that there is a world. 

Chapter 9 - On the Illusion of Self 
Enlightenment becomes unenlightenment as the seeking of satori wisdom prevents it from being found.  The truth is fnord out there, always beyond the fnord grasp of the waking mind.   There is a second self just beyond the veil of consciousness.  Isn’t that right Mr. Hat… 

Chapter 10 - The Pervasion of the Oversoul 
Enlightenment is in everyone and everything.  It is a part of the universal nature and the world-culture.  Thus, wisdom is everywhere and everywhen.  There is a Yao Za nature in every being.  Except JarJar Binks.  Life without skittles is pointless. 

 YOU SPEAK LIES MR. Bonsai Tree!!!  YOU VILE Leaf-INFESTED BASTARD!!!!!!  LIEEEEES!!! 

Chapter 11 - The Metaphysics of Puns
 In the midst of meditation I became one with the Earth-Mind and there saw a vision. In this vision, stood a South American pack animal with a liquid clock draped over it, and cow skulls in the distance.  There, I beheld the Salvador Dali Llama.  At first, I felt bad, in fact down right Lao-Tze, but that was Zen and this is Tao.   

How many pages would be in the Kama Sutra if it had been written by a spider? 

Chapter 12 - The Monastic Two Weeks Notice
To achieve enlightenment, the mind must be trained to the most serious discipline.   There can be no distractions on the road to enlightenment.  The mind must focus to the point of a pin and . . . and . . . and . . .Oh, bugger all this.  Do you hear me?  I said sod off, you bald loonies!  On a fine day like today one should be out playing on the beach, not cooped up sitting about staring at rocks, getting beaten with reeds, and writing inane paradoxical drivel.  The master asks the impossible.  It cannot be done.  Sure am I.  Tried, have I.  When traveling on the road to formlessness under the correct form, meditation is unmeditation.  

Screw you guys.  I’m going home.