Have you felt the Warm Slimy Tentacles of Love?

Once upon a time, it was pointed out that every major religion has an anthropomorphic conception of deity, has humans as the purpose of life, and considers its worshippers "the chosen people." Squidism does not accept any of these absurdly narcissitic premises. And it involves skinny dipping.

What needs to happen to make Squidism a real religion in the eyes of the IRS

Theological Truth

Prophecy
Once upon a time a woman met the Great Squid.
Now, I can’t tell you where this was, or who she was, or when this was, not even if it ever really happened.
But if it did, she was the first prophet of Squidism.

The Great Squid sees pretty much all!
That is to say, It sees the past in all its glory, and the future hides nothing, but the Great Squid is blind to the present. This apparently confuses the Great Squid, as the future is constantly changing in every instant with every choice, and events indicate that perhaps the Great Squid is not aware the present is unseen. Some theologians wonder how the Great Squid could avoid noticing there is a HUGE gap in the timeline, but some, though by no means all, or even many, of the Great Squid’s thoughts are beyond mortal ken.

The Great Squid is Omnipotent!
The question of ‘why do bad things happen to good people’ has come up at times; this is simple to explain. With its infinite power the Great Squid can do anything, but it still has eight arms and only two eyes. The Great Squid can’t see everything Its doing all the time.

The Name of the Great Squid is Holy
The Great Squid is not possessed of a name that must not be spoken. As a matter of fact, the Great Squid delights in its name being spoken. Unfortunately, the Great Squid, in Its awesome absent-mindedness, just never really thought to tell anyone Its name.

The Atlantis Incident
The people of the continent of Atlantis were joyous, artistic, and at peace with each other and the world. This pleased the Great Squid immensely, as they were being Happy, Creative, and Harmonious. There were brilliant scholars of theology in their society, and the Great Squid saw that they had not only discovered Its awesome glory, but had built an enormous statue in Its honor. As a blessing to the Atlanteans the Great Squid gathered them up and gave them a place in the Divine Waters. Due to a slight misunderstanding, this did not work out well. The Great Squid perceives the future as the present; the Great Squid acts in the present. The net result is that the theologians had not yet been born when the Great Squid acted. The population of Atlantis entered the Divine Waters, but had no idea what was going on. They freaked out and fled from the Great Squid as fast as they could swim. They eventually became exhausted, and the Sperm Whales came. The Dark Force of the Waters devoured them.
Thus is the fate of all who do not go willngly unto the Great Squid.
(Go willingly, and you get to spend eternity as a color-changing cuttlefish.)

Secrets of the Faithful

The Divine is the Great Squid.
The Great Squid has eight arms, three tentacles, and lives in the Divine Waters.
Its (for the Great Squid is beyond gender) ink clouds its true nature from man.
(The ink is very pretty, so it's not a horribly bad thing.)
The eight arms embody the eight Holy Practices, which are: Be Healthy, Be Happy, Be Harmonious, Be Creative, Be Unhealthy, Be Unhappy, Be Disharmonious, Be Uncreative. (The Great Squid demands at least three be followed at all times, extra credit for four or more.)
The three tentacles embody the three Cardinal Virtues: Buoyancy, The Ability to Swim and… well, we aren’t quite sure what the third cardinal virtue is, but its probably something easy, and we bet it involves bubbles. (The inventor of “floaties” is blessed by the Great Squid.)
(***The startling similarity of some of the Holy Practices of the Great Squid to those of the Navajos just goes to show how even those who are not near the sea can discover the truth of the Great Squid.***)

The Nature of the Divine
Humankind very consistently identifies its ideals with animals.
Unicorns are a representation of purity, griffins are majesty, dragons are strength.
Anthropomorphization is due to a subconscious understanding that there is essential connection between the behavior of animals and the ideal actions of humanity.
Many religions have taken the belief that mankind has stewardship or ownership of the animals.
Squidism recognizes that rather than animals acting like humans, as in the fables of Goldilocks, Little Red Riding Hood, Chicken Little, and many more, humans should act like the Great Squid.

The Human Relationship with the Holy Sea
A person of the Squidism faith is a Floatarian, whereas non-believers are Sinkers.
This is because the giant squids of planet earth live in the depths of the sea. The depths are the realm of the divinities, not of mortals. The faithful float above, the faithless sink and are devoured by the very water itself.
Why are we humans here? The world was created so the giant squid would be given a place to become manifest. Guided evolution was the technique used by the Great Squid. Humans are a side effect of this process.
Blessed are the Marine Biologists and Sailors! They have lain eyes upon the giant squid of our world, dead though they were.

The Full Moon
The Moon is holy as its power controls the Oceans of the physical world. On the full moons (and especially blue moons), a Floatarian must go to the sea where the squid swim and must enter the water wearing Speedos (the Divine Brand) or nothing at all.
At all times, an adherent must possess one, and only one, squid. “One shall be the number thou shalt have, and the number of the squid shall be one.” 
(In places where there are permits required to own a squid, the Great Squid is merely testing your faith). For info on care and feeding, go here.

A picture of a squid can be substituted for an actual squid, although the Great Squid is ambivalent about squid costumes.

If you cannot reach the sea on the night of the celebrations, a swimming pool, or a bathtub, filled with water and at least a pinch of sea salt can be substituted.
(If you are confused by the reference quoted, the Great Squid does not want your worship.)

The Birth of the Great Squid/Religion
31 days into the 10th solar month, or Oct 31, a floater must celebrate the birth of the Squid/Religion by water gun fights in the ocean. (If you cannot reach the ocean, the earlier rules apply.) Water balloons are, of course, acceptable.
(oct31=dec25)

Proselytizing
In order to spread the religion to the youth, a Floatarian must first gain the permission of the parents of any child to be taught, which may require converting the parents first. Be vigilant! You know the truth.
Secondly, a Floatarian must be a certified swimming instructor. The ability to swim is a cardinal virtue, and must be taught to the youth.

Communion
White wine, of course. You always have white wine with seafood. Didn’t you read the flyers?